Lost in Transition

"I tried to look, really look, as though this took a kind of effort far greater than the movement of my eyes. You are here, I would say to myself, no part of this moment melting into the future. You are only here and nowhere else. But I could never believe it. So I would take a photo, to stop the world, so that I could keep moving. The photo was just an approximation, the world flattened and made small. But I could past it in an album, put that album in a box, pack the box in my car, and drive. The best I could do was record where I had been before I kept on going." 

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. But it seems that I can't help but wonder, "Does it really?" It seems that I can't find a 'reason' for this time in my life. For this heaping dose of underwhelming free time that is a result of unemployment and uncertainties. People ask, "What are you so unsure about?" And it seems that I am unsure about well, basically everything...Where I want to live, what career path I want to take, what organizations I want to work for, what sacrifices I am willing to make, whose happiness is essential to my own, if Sadie would be able to live in an apartment, what I should have for lunch, etc. (The last one isn't exactly as important as the others, but you get the picture.)

Do I want (or rather need) to go back towards that Rocky Mountain High? Do I want (or rather need) to take a leap of faith and head a few hundred miles north to nurture a relationship? Or do I need to head in a completely different direction and finally start this journey on my own?

At first, I truly believed I wanted to be closer to home, to be closer to my childhood friends, my family, my roots. But now, after spending three months here in Small Town U.S.A., I can honestly say that I've been more than a little bit naive. I made several assumptions about what my life would be like with the people and places I once loved so intensely, but somehow failed to remember that one life lesson that is as certain as death and taxes.

People change. Friendships that once seemed salient to my identity, no longer are. Places that used to bring me an unparalleled sense of comfort, no longer do. Looking back on the past few months, I think I realized this from the very moment I crossed over the bridge from Oklahoma into Arkansas, but chose to ignore it. You know that warm feeling that comes over you when you come home after a long, stressful day? That 'Ahhhh..' feeling? It's no longer there. Nor was it there to even begin with. It just took me this long to finally own up to it.

It's been a while since I posted, so here's a compilation of a photos I've taken over the past few weeks. What are some of your favorite subjects to photograph?

A few of my wine bottles (the one of the far left is my favorite.)

Around our garden

This was a pretty magical shoot. Perfect weather, a slight breeze, and yellow butterflies all around.

Another extraordinary day and shoot. Went down to Sugarloaf lake one afternoon and found it completely deserted, save for a few fishermen.

Feels Like Rain

"Unless it is Mad, Passionate, Extraordinary Love, it is a waste of time. There are too many mediocre things in life. Love should not be one of them." 
Mediocre, adjective
1. of only ordinary or moderate quality; neither good nor bad; barely adequate. 
Antonyms: Extraordinary, superior, uncommon, incomparable.

This quote, when applied broadly, really seems to resonate with my life these days. I keep reminding myself of all the times I've heard, "Never settle for less than what you deserve." Yet, what do I deserve? What do we all deserve? What guidelines dictate what each and everyone of us deserves in life? Is is a pure heart? Compassion? Courage? Buddha's eightfold path of right view, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right concentration? 

I had a dispute earlier in the summer and one of the comments really stuck with me. "You act like you're a princess, like you deserve something more." Now, in that moment the princess reference was very insulting, seeing as how he was implying that I expect things to be handed to me on a silver platter or as if I think nothing is ever good enough (neither of which could be farther from the truth) . But now as I look back on that conversation, it reminds me of the whole 'never settle' mantra.  I want to go back in time to that night and say, "Yes, you're right. I DO deserve something more." If there's one thing my daddy taught me when I was growing up, it's that I am a special young girl and I deserve to be treated as such. And by golly, if that's too much to ask for in a relationship, then so be it. 

We may not know what it is that we deserve (or want for that matter) and we may not find that incomparable love today, tomorrow, or next week, but I am certain that it is out there. 

And it will be nothing short than sensational. 

 

 

 

 

Many the Miles

"The world is so empty if one thinks only of mountains, rivers, and cities; but to know someone here and there who thinks and feels with us, and though distant, is close to us in spirit, this makes the earth for us an inhabited garden." 

 

It's been 42 days since I've seen the mountains.
Inhaled that wonderful humidity-free air.
Since I've felt that glorious Colorado sunshine, warming me from the top of my head to the tip of my toes.
Since I left the life I built for myself the past four years.
Since I left those who help me make sense of this world, those who keep me grounded, those who understand my point of view, those who share my enthusiasm for life, for the everyday.

Talking to an old friend really does show you how much you've changed. I find myself feeling a little unsure, a little uncomfortable around some of the people who have been in my life for as long as I can remember. The people who know my history, my family, my most sensitive insecurities...It's not that I'm unhappy with who I've become or anything like that, but it's that I'm finally starting to realize how much I have changed over the years and how they have not.

Trying to recapture the love that once was in a friendship makes for a very bumpy road, to say the least. Even admitting that things have changed with a beloved old friend proves to be pretty dang difficult for me, as I tend to pride myself on my ability to maintain friendships despite distance. I've done a pretty good job of it over the years, keeping up with all of my childhood friends below the Mason-Dixon line, while simultaneously cultivating new friendships out at school in CO. Right now it seems that those are the ones that are salient to this older version of myself, which makes for pretty heart wrenching moments throughout the day.

10 more days. 10 more days and I get to see one of those very special individuals who, surprisingly, helps make me, me.

Let it Bee

"I wanted to be crazy, and I advise you to be crazy. To be weird. To be unreasonable. That's my favorite one. People are always saying, "Oh, come one, be reasonable!" And I want to shout, "No! I don't want to be reasonable!" I want to be completely unreasonable. I want to change the world. I want to be creative. I want to change the world creatively. And I want other people to be unreasonable with me." 
                                                                                                                                            -Matt Goldman

Bees, Bees, Bees. Bees are everywhere today, buzzing around trying to get acclimated to their new environment. What funny little creatures they are, always giving it their all, always going 100%. We could learn a lot from them, that much is certain. And to think, they do it all without Red Bull or those little bottles of liquid crack 5-hour energy drinks.

 I think what gets me the most about bees is their name, it doesn't really seem to fit when you actually think about it. The word 'bee', when stripped of all denotative meaning makes me think of behave, being, beep-beep, be. Yet, I've found that bees don't exactly behave properly. They always seem to bee terrorizing me every chance they get and I precede to run away screaming while waving my hands around my head like a mad woman, making me feel a bit embarrassed as my dogs lay there, judging me. They never seem to just be and become situated for more than a few seconds. Did you know that the saying "the bee's knees" was used originally to refer to something as inconsequential? Crazy, huh? The US completely changed the meaning into the opposite sense, which doesn't really surprise me at all.

 One thing is for sure though, bees won't ever have to worry about trying to find a job in this disastrous economic climate, lucky them.

Anyways, enough about all these buzzing bees. I guess it all stems from my lack of belonging anywhere right now. I've got this nice shiny diploma that I worked my tail off to get in the traditional 4-year time slot, during which I wholeheartedly believed I would have everything figured out by now. Romanticized dreams of living in a rustic studio with exposed brick walls in a fast-paced city and some wonderful job that fulfilled both my humanitarian and creative side have quite simply, evaporated into thin air.

I've always been a bit uncertain about what I wanted to do with my life, but I never actually believed I would not have it figured out by the time I turned 22. "You're young!" They say, while simultaneously contradicting themselves with the "What are you going to DO with your life?! Well let me tell you ALL about mine then!" The endless babbles regarding what other people did at my age are driving me insane. They come without any premeditated thoughts of "I wonder if telling this young lady about every detail in my life from 22-60 is going to be relevant/helpful/interesting..."

Needless to say, I'm a little irked at how others tend to transform my uncertainty into the equivalent of failure. At how the public has devised this master turmoil for college graduates, for America's youth in general. At how we are treated as inferior, as childish, yet expected to have a life plan that reflects a certain degree of maturity.

We're young, yes, but we're not ignorant.
We don't know it all, but we do know some.
We're passionate, but we're not crazy.
We're curious, but we're not stupid.
We're excited, but we're not unrealistic.
We're spirited, we're capable, we're eager, and we're full of potential.

Let us make our own way.
Let us follow our bliss.
Let us be wrong.
Let us be right.
Let us decide where we belong.
Let us decide who we belong with.
Let us have our say.
Let us be unconventional.
Let us be young.

We are the music makers, and the dreamers of dreams,
Wandering by lone sea-breakers, and sitting by desolate streams.
World-losers and world-forsakers, upon whom the pale moon gleams;
Yet we are the movers and shakers, of the world forever, it seems.