Lost in Transition

"I tried to look, really look, as though this took a kind of effort far greater than the movement of my eyes. You are here, I would say to myself, no part of this moment melting into the future. You are only here and nowhere else. But I could never believe it. So I would take a photo, to stop the world, so that I could keep moving. The photo was just an approximation, the world flattened and made small. But I could past it in an album, put that album in a box, pack the box in my car, and drive. The best I could do was record where I had been before I kept on going." 

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. But it seems that I can't help but wonder, "Does it really?" It seems that I can't find a 'reason' for this time in my life. For this heaping dose of underwhelming free time that is a result of unemployment and uncertainties. People ask, "What are you so unsure about?" And it seems that I am unsure about well, basically everything...Where I want to live, what career path I want to take, what organizations I want to work for, what sacrifices I am willing to make, whose happiness is essential to my own, if Sadie would be able to live in an apartment, what I should have for lunch, etc. (The last one isn't exactly as important as the others, but you get the picture.)

Do I want (or rather need) to go back towards that Rocky Mountain High? Do I want (or rather need) to take a leap of faith and head a few hundred miles north to nurture a relationship? Or do I need to head in a completely different direction and finally start this journey on my own?

At first, I truly believed I wanted to be closer to home, to be closer to my childhood friends, my family, my roots. But now, after spending three months here in Small Town U.S.A., I can honestly say that I've been more than a little bit naive. I made several assumptions about what my life would be like with the people and places I once loved so intensely, but somehow failed to remember that one life lesson that is as certain as death and taxes.

People change. Friendships that once seemed salient to my identity, no longer are. Places that used to bring me an unparalleled sense of comfort, no longer do. Looking back on the past few months, I think I realized this from the very moment I crossed over the bridge from Oklahoma into Arkansas, but chose to ignore it. You know that warm feeling that comes over you when you come home after a long, stressful day? That 'Ahhhh..' feeling? It's no longer there. Nor was it there to even begin with. It just took me this long to finally own up to it.

It's been a while since I posted, so here's a compilation of a photos I've taken over the past few weeks. What are some of your favorite subjects to photograph?

A few of my wine bottles (the one of the far left is my favorite.)

Around our garden

This was a pretty magical shoot. Perfect weather, a slight breeze, and yellow butterflies all around.

Another extraordinary day and shoot. Went down to Sugarloaf lake one afternoon and found it completely deserted, save for a few fishermen.

Papa Don't Preach

"Parents rarely let go of their children, so children let go of them. They move on. They move away. The moments that used to define them- a mother's approval, a father's nod- are covered by moments of their own accomplishments." - Mitch Albom 

It's interesting, the relationship between a parent and a child. Especially after 4 glasses of vino. More so after that child has grown (in more ways than one) and cultivates their own opinions, their own set of beliefs, their own morals, their own political views. While it may be hard for some parents to adjust, I like to believe that they eventually do. That they eventually learn how to accept their child for who they are, instead of fretting about who they think they should be. What's that age old expression? "Things don't always turn out quite like what you had planned?" Or something of the sort? It's true. Especially when growing older is involved. Children don't always act like they're supposed to, dogs don't always listen when called, and muffins don't always turn out perfect when using a recipe. But 'tis life, right? Our reaction to the situation at hand is what matters, even if we don't always think it does.

My father stands as one of the most steadfast Right-winged Christians that I know and (gasp) raised a daughter who made up her mind at the age of 13 to leave this godforsaken town simply to escape the judgmental, Southern Baptist, "honey you should come to church with me on Wednesday" people. You know who I am talking about, those mothers who look like they had one-too-many trips to the tween department in Dillards and simply would never miss a football game, basketball game, baseball game, soccer game, track meet, (because those are the only sports that matter in the South) graduation, booster-club meeting, or any other chance to flaunt their new Coach bag and White-Rain hairdo.

I'm gagging just remembering what they were like. Thankfully, this older version of myself now knows that the majority of them suffer from severe depression and mix Grey Goose with their Xanax because they've internalized their unhappiness and buried it somewhere deep-down beneath their kitchen in suburbia.

Anyways, back to my super duper Conservative Teabagging (the newest development) of a father.
Basically, I had to explain to my over-bearing padre (who some like to say resembles a psycho ex-boyfriend with his never ending calls, texts, emails, etc. ) that I do not and will not side with the Republican party. Not only that, but I do not appreciate his hyper-Conservative emails regarding "Teaparty meetings at 7 at town hall," as well as the ignorant, insulting, and downright irrelevant emails about "halal meat" and how I should beware. Here's a little quote from the latter, "Since Islam teaches dishonesty (taqiyyah) and no regard for one's neighbor, this kind of sickening behavior is standard." I kid you not. That shit was in the email. Ummmm excuse me? Since I didn't believe one word of the forward from some dumbshit in Redneckville, AR, I did a little research. For those of you who also did not know what taqiyyah means, it is defined as, "to save life, honour, or property (either one's own or of other believers) by hiding one's belief or religion." AKA not what the email insinuated.

Long story sorta short?
You can't change people. No matter how hard you try. I guess I'm saying this for all the parents out there who disagree with their children, their lifestyle choices, their opinions. You have to experience and examine the world yourself, so why try and stop others from doing so? Sure, I understand that you want them to make the 'right' decisions and choose the 'right' path, but remember, everything is subjective. And while some parents might believe that by pushing their own beliefs on their children will change them or help them in some way,  I'd like to point out that that is rarely the case. Give 'em a chance to think for themselves. Give 'em a chance to utilize the knowledge they've gained throughout their lives, to make their own mistakes. And remember how much more you learned from your own personal mishaps then those of others.


It's like how I remind my parents everyday, "So what if I'm a liberal feminist? I'm not pregnant. I don't have a meth problem. I'm not a pothead. I don't smoke crack. I know the difference between 'your' and 'you're.' And I graduated in 4 years. I think you did a fine job."

Generational differences reside at the core of disagreements in my family today and I'm sure the same goes for others. So be sure to take that into consideration if your child grows up a little differently than what you had planned. Please. Come on man, it's not 1950. Haven't you realized that more women are wearing watches now that they can't always rely on the oven?

"I walked over to the hill where we used to go and sled. There were a lot of little kids there. I watched them flying. Doing jumps and having races. And I thought that all those little kids are going to grow up someday. And all of those little kids are going to do the things that we do. And they will kiss someone someday. But for now, sledding is enough. I think it would be great if sledding were always enough, but it isn't." -Stephen Chbosky

A Cup of Realitea

"If we do not want to be a pawn in someones game, it is imperative that we begin to analyze where we get out knowledge from and how it is being constructed to manipulate us. It is only through the coming together of actual lived experiences and simulated cultural knowledge that we can begin to exercise our agency in making society a better place."

FCKH8 illustrates how ridiculous the main arguments against marriage equality truly are  

The hardest part of transitioning back to the south? Ignorance. Followed by humidity and a lack of Whole Foods Markets. Seriously though, I honestly cannot believe how backwards this place is. It's as if I've stepped into a time machine that focuses solely on social norms, ideologies, and reasoning. Most people readily defend their beliefs with "Because that's the way it is!" and honestly think it's sufficient. A large portion would be lost if you asked them to differentiate between the simple concepts of 'sex' and 'gender.' "Der de same tang!" Ohhhh so that's it, thanks Bobby Joe.

Not only is a general understanding of sexuality and sexual identity greatly lacking, but the majority of people down here still believe that people choose to be gay, straight, bisexual, queer, etc. As if someone would actually choose to be a second-class citizen and 'sign-up' for a club that only 'benefits' (this is when a sarcasm font would come in handy) its members by stripping them of rights, opportunities, and safety, but makes up for it by disseminating messages that tell them that they're not normal.

God, these people really need to get out more. Go buy a book or something. Like a dictionary. Or maybe just stop watching Fox news. Or maybe, just maybe, they could kindly set aside their religious texts and come up with some new arguments that aren't so dated. Or contradicting, for that matter.



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