Sweet Uncertainties: November 2011

"I tried to look, really look, as though this took a kind of effort far greater than the movement of my eyes. You are here, I would say to myself, no part of this moment melting into the future. You are only here and nowhere else. But I could never believe it. So I would take a photo, to stop the world, so that I could keep moving. The photo was just an approximation, the world flattened and made small. But I could past it in an album, put that album in a box, pack the box in my car, and drive. The best I could do was record where I had been before I kept on going."

I keep reminding myself that everything happens for a reason. But it seems that I can't help but wonder, "Does it really?" It seems that I can't find a 'reason' for this time in my life. For this heaping dose of underwhelming free time that is a result of unemployment and uncertainties. People ask, "What are you so unsure about?" And it seems that I am unsure about well, basically everything...Where I want to live, what career path I want to take, what organizations I want to work for, what sacrifices I am willing to make, whose happiness is essential to my own, if Sadie would be able to live in an apartment, what I should have for lunch, etc. (The last one isn't exactly as important as the others, but you get the picture.)

Do I want (or rather need) to go back towards that Rocky Mountain High? Do I want (or rather need) to take a leap of faith and head a few hundred miles north to nurture a relationship? Or do I need to head in a completely different direction and finally start this journey on my own?

At first, I truly believed I wanted to be closer to home, to be closer to my childhood friends, my family, my roots. But now, after spending three months here in Small Town U.S.A., I can honestly say that I've been more than a little bit naive. I made several assumptions about what my life would be like with the people and places I once loved so intensely, but somehow failed to remember that one life lesson that is as certain as death and taxes.

People change. Friendships that once seemed salient to my identity, no longer are. Places that used to bring me an unparalleled sense of comfort, no longer do. Looking back on the past few months, I think I realized this from the very moment I crossed over the bridge from Oklahoma into Arkansas, but chose to ignore it. You know that warm feeling that comes over you when you come home after a long, stressful day? That 'Ahhhh..' feeling? It's no longer there. Nor was it there to even begin with. It just took me this long to finally own up to it.

It's been a while since I posted, so here's a compilation of a photos I've taken over the past few weeks. What are some of your favorite subjects to photograph?